Monday, June 26, 2006

Here it comes...


I worry. All the time. Leif has a few little problems with his colostomy. I've been told that there are always a few little problems with colostomies. It's a comfort that these problems are normal, yet I still worry. I worry that Leif is sick. I worry about what could happen.
Leif is expected to have his major bowel surgery in less than 2 months. I worry about that. He is blessedly and blissfully unaware of the impending surgery. I worry that he will not survive the surgery or that there will be complications...
Can someone please tell me that all this worry is normal mother stuff? Will I still worry about him in 2 years when this is all resloved? I feel like it would be comforting to know that this is normal...then I won't resent his disease so much.

I love him so much it hurts sometimes. The idea of him enduring more pain is almost unbearable.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's normal to worry. God will take good care of him though the surgery.
A friend of mine had a baby born with Down Syndrome and the baby needed open heart surgery at three months of age, and my friend and her hubby were soooo worried. And they cried about it, and they cried when they handed their little darling off to the nurses at the hospital, but God took wonderful care of that baby, who is now 6 and loving life, and He will take good care of your little guy, too. I'll pray for Leif, and for you, too.

Hugs from Chicago.

Aaron said...

it's so normal to worry... and if it wasn't this, you'd be looking for something else to worry about! lydia has a friend who lost a baby to SIDS and we were always worried about that... over cautious... checking in on him occasionally... but we just had to continually come back to a place where we acknowledge that Noah is not ours, but Gods. sounds trite, but it's true. for the first few months after noah was born, lydia's dad would always ask us if we still had "the knife over noah", making reference to Abraham and Isaac and our willingness to give him back to God no matter the circumstances. makes for nice words, but is easier said than done, i'm still finding.
and just remember that God loves His son, Leif, way more than you and Chad could ever...

Anonymous said...

So I was talking to my friend today, the one that I told you about in the previous post ...and I told her about Leif and his upcoming surgery, and she said that in addition to having open heart surgery done on her daughter when the baby was only 3 months old, her daughter needed eye surgery at 1 year ...and how much easier it was to hand the baby off at 3 months because the baby was blissfully unaware ...whereas at 1 year, the child knew to be scared and cried when she was taken to be prepped for surgery ...so be thankful that Leif doesn't know to be scared, and be thankful that he won't be upset to head into surgery. And, my friend also added that God gave her and her husband a "peace that surpassed all understanding" as they waited for their child to come out of surgery. And God will grant you and Chad the same.

Hugs from Chicago
(Crystal's friend Sarah ...I met you at Crystal and Chuck's party before they left for Japan)
lukeskywalker01@hotmail.com

P.S. Leif is adorable! Very good-looking!

sara wall said...

as mother too, i worry and weep with you and share those joys with you. but don't fear, there will be more worries on the way: when leif first stands and walks and pulls himself unto the settie, when he rumble tumbles in football, and goes on his first date. as mother it is your job to worry-- you carry that worry for your son so that he can be free to enjoy. hope that makes sense-- we were blessed with a healthy ethan cole, but everytime my boy cries, i feel your pain.

erk said...

Thank you all for the insight. I guess it comes in waves there are times that I can cope and there are times that are more difficult. I am glad that he's not older to be heading into surgery. Thank you for that reminder. I think the thing that will make this time harder is that we are used to him and know him and we will miss not having him with us.

sara wall said...

yes, i can't imagine what that would be like. i miss ethan when i am away from him for just a few hours! in reference to your new post about graditude, i am currently reading "the spiral staircase" by karen armstrong, and in it, she quotes, ts elliot's, "ash wednesday, I" poem, "i rejoice that things are as they are."

erk said...

that's so interesting! to rejoice that things are as they are! maybe that's just it. thanks!

cris said...

Erika, your little boy is so beautiful! I am moved by your blog and am reminded of your post on my way back when as I struggled with my first year of motherhood. I admire your courage as you face not only the normal major changes that motherhood brings, but also needles and surgery. I'm glad Leif has you by his side.

I remember in my first few months Lucas was healthy but I was constantly paranoid about SIDS...so worried I could hardly sleep at times. They are in our care. It is so good for us to have concern for them.

And a year from now your boy will probably be busy walking and definately doing lots of giggling. It all happens so fast! Blessings, fellow mom.