Monday, May 28, 2007

Just hangin out at home

I was speaking with someone the other day who asked me what I was up to. She answered for me,"Just hanging out at home?" I was speechless. I guess in some way she was right, in other ways, she was outrageously wrong. My job is a full time mother. No wait, I am working...ummm how many hours are there in a week? Well, I am working all of them. Every second of every hour I am on call. When I'm not on call, I'm on duty. I guess maybe it would be more impressive if I was in an office, or a surgeon. But no, I'm just at home. Just hanging out...(grrrr)

Lately, I've been burned out from working all the time. I'm running on empty...I have realized since my five minutes of aloneness previously described that I have died. I read a blog by a friend on mother's day discussing the life and death that lives side by side in a mother, and somehow it irritated me. I don't like death. I don't want to know that I look like death, or seem in any way dead. Yet in so many ways, I am. I have surrendered so much more than I ever thought I could. My old me is dying slowly and sometimes painfully. The things that used to make me excited don't anymore. I am forgetting what those things were. In some ways, it breaks my heart, and I wonder if I will find that person some day when I'm not on call 24/7. Some days I feel more dead than alive. Growing up my mom always said that raising children is about moments, that you survive moment to moment. I think it is those moments that make me alive...and so I am alive...but also dead.


Lydia said...

I guess i am coming from the other side of the story... i just finished a year of working full time as a nurse and feeling very torn away from my baby! as this new maternity leave begins i feel so blessed to be home again and understand the privilege it is. This weekend i was at a prayer retreat that had a marketplace theology spin on it, and saw the end of the chapter as a nurse, and a new chapter beginning as my vocation now is full time mom (for good - i don't plan on returning). As difficult as this year was, i am thankful, so thankful that God has shown me my strong convictions about being home with my children. I was home for the first year with Noah, and remember feeling the thoughts you mentioned... but consider yourself so so blessed. The prayer retreat led me to the realization that by being a mom i am actively participating in "your kingdom come"... being a part of God's ministry on earth... ( as opposed to my previous feelings of inactivity in doing "noble" ministries ie. serving the poor)
- i hope this makes sense... i am still working some thoughts out from the retreat... but just wanted to affirm your calling is a wonderful, heavy, noble one... all these sacrifices are onto Him ("whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers, you did for me - matt.25)

Lian said...

Thanks Lydia, you're right. I LOVE Leif, but sometimes I want a break...I was a little jealous of you working as a nurse. It is something I've always wanted to do, but have never been able to pursue...but at the same time I loath the idea of leaving my crazy little monkey while I'm off pursuing my noble feats. Thanks for reminding me of the blessing it is.