Sunday, August 30, 2009

In the way you look

Saturday I went to the Dr. with lower abdominal pain. It was not excruciating, but was of concern since I am pregnant. In the two days that have passed there have been major upheavals of positivity swinging back to "freak-out". Everything could be normal. There could just be a cyst... or it could be catastrophic. It could be ectopic. I can tell myself it will be fine, and I can sit on that for a couple of hours... but then the thought sneaks in that maybe I will lose this baby. And then the hysterics begin, and once those are over I am able to talk myself back into a state of calm. I'm embarrassed to be so emotional, but then remind myself that there is so much at stake. Not only will I definitely lose the baby, an ectopic pregnancy will surely effect my chances to have children in the future, and if not found before it ruptures I could bleed internally and inch very close to death. Sounds a bit dire, but then everything could be fine. Oh I'm sure it's all fine... but what if it's not.
I have spent some time, however thinking things over, and have come to the conclusion that I have many things to be grateful for. For one, I have two glorious children. Not only are they perfect specimens of cuteness, but they are enjoyable to be around. I am grateful that for the 7 weeks of this pregnancy I have been able to take everything for granted. I have not been petrified that things will go wrong, as my other 2 pregnancies progressed perfectly, and my daughter was born without a bowel disease, and so the thought had not even crossed my mind that this little rice grain might have it. I am so glad that I got to enjoy the first 7 weeks with this little person, and if I am not able to keep it (sob coming on) than I am thankful for that time.

2 comments:

Stephie said...

Erika,

May the Lord be your strength. May He give you His peace and comfort. I don't have proper words to say to comfort you as I haven't experienced this. Please cling to Jesus. You are a lovely girl and I'm sorry that this difficult situation is your path to walk right now. I do know tho that God is with you and knows all about it and loves you deeply. Keep your eyes on Him, sweetie.
love,
Steph

elnellis said...

We hold you in thought and prayer from afar.
Praying for protection and peace.
phil and ruth