Thursday, December 03, 2009

The Outsider

i am listening to Christmas music these days. feeling sad and lonely. i miss the snow and the scents and the general atmosphere of the "magic" of christmas that exists only in the northern hemisphere. feeling like i have to force the sensation of "christmas spirit". being pregnant and caring for two little ankle-biters, i am feeling more and more left out. rarely are we invited to eat at anyone's home, or even to dine out with them due to the complications of needing to safely and humanely tie down two tornadoes of destruction. not blaming anyone... just the truth. feeling further and further from humanity in general... and not sure that i want to put in the work to inch my way back. i'm tired and feel like an alien. which i am. the more i know of australia, the more i realize the nuances of our cultural differences; being american, myself. somehow i feel like i will only ever be half in half out, because i will never think like an aussie. my mind will always be american at the nubs. i am far from my family and, in this season of joy and silent nights (i defy you to find a christmas album that does not have that meaningless song on it) i am so aware of the distance.

somehow the ache of homesickness brings Emmanuel closer. God with us. in this season of consumerism and "getting" there is One, silently, patiently, and oh so beautifully present. He was an alien too. He was far from his home. He wandered aimlessly, sometimes hated, and sometimes loved to tiny little pieces of giving, just as a mother of a toddler who can rattle off 15,000 demands in 30 seconds flat. the God who made the world, felt sad and far away. He too was exhausted by the never ending stream of demands on Him. He felt alone, far away, and friendless. He, too, was never far enough, fast enough, high enough. He, too, cried alone.

And because He did, i do not. His hand is on the shoulder of this alien. The God with us. God with me.

tonight my son looked at me and said "mom, i love you because you are good."
Emmanuel, i love You because You are Good.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I hope your christmas day was good and the lonliness that distance brings was not too consuming. I have awarded you a honest scrap award.(check out my blog for more details)