Sex is generally referred to in Christian circles as a man's issue. Preachers will proclaim loudly and with gusto that avoiding inappropriate sex is a man's issue, and women struggle with... umm... not sure... um jealousy maybe? I grew up thinking that women shouldn't want sex, or have a sex drive, and that there was clearly something wrong with me if I did. Girls are told that if we could only dress modestly then the boys won't think about sex. The idea is that men want sex, women don't, and that sex is dirty, secret, monogamous, and uncomfortable to talk about. Pious women don't mention it, want it, and will cover every bit of flesh so as to keep men from the same evil. Maybe, if women can get their necklines high enough, their skirts long enough, their pants pleated enough, that no one will think about sex, ever.
Maybe someone needs to remind these pastors that just as men were made in the image of God, so women were. That just as men are emotional, physical, psychological and sexual beings, so women are emotional, physical, psychological, and gulp, sexual beings. When men preach and make comments about how it is a man's issue, he alienates 1/2 of his congregation ostracising her from help. I am, of course, making the assumption that sex IS an issue for women. Of course a woman's sex issue is different from a man's, but not non-existent. Women cheat on their spouses, feel disappointed in their sex lives, feel "pent-up", desire sexual attention, fantasize, etc. Maybe christian women need to be discussing sex more. Girls need to know that they DO have a sexual self, that they MAY find that they want to have sex, that they MIGHT enjoy sex when it happens. Girls/Women need to have the conversation. And maybe within earshot of a preacher. If we don't know each other's stories and issues how can we help each other? How can we help the lonely and frustrated married women who finds a man who wants her attention? How do we help the teenage girl who gets a new boyfriend and discovers that she does want sex? The discussions are nipped in the bud as soon as we are told our "issues" are real.
This is a very non-organized rant. But I would love discussion on the topic. This is obviously from an Evangelical-Christian perpective, but I would LOVE perspectives from all sides. Let's talk about SEX!
6 comments:
I think different cultures view sex in different ways and I think culture impacts the church - always has done so - see Paul's writing to the Corinthians re women in church. Even , in our own culture people have divided opinions over whether it is Ok to breast-feed in public or not because the breast is often see as sexual. In Australian culture the socialogical viewpoint you are talking about is summed up in a well-known book called "Women- Damned Whores or God's Police"
I'd love to see some men respond to your blog and say how they see it. When I think about it now, it is probably true to say that the most real conversations I have had about sex with others [men & women] has probably been outside the evangelical-Christian perspective but though I value a Christian/Spiritual perspective the most I desperately do not want to cause discomfort or embarassment to my brothers or sisters. Surely though most Pastors would recognise that sex is both a male and female issue as he is a Pastor to both men and women and both men and women have sexual sins to confess or confront from time to time. Also it would be dangerous for a Pastor to be unaware of this issue as statistics say that many girls/women have a crush at some stage on a male spiritual leader. Yes let's talk about sex with as much love, understanding and spiritual maturity as we can. xxx Christine Jolly.
Hi Erika! Perhaps you should change or at least vary the circles you run in... I've not found this be an issue at all in my Christian circles. This is coming from the perspective of being a part of a number of different churches and denominations over the past decade. I agree, that if your circle feels like sex is only a man's issue, or even if just that particular preacher does... well, they're wrong and do need some enlightenment =) Was it addressed at all at your women's retreat? I do hope, that despite the one-sided-ness of the sermon, you were able to glean something useful for your relationship with Chad.
I love talking about sex, and we admittedly have lots of struggles with it. If you ever want a sex D&M, you just let me know and I'll come down =) I want to see you sooner than later anyhow. I am off work now, early, as the doc says that I need more rest. I am grateful that they are looking out for me, and that I had enough sick days stored up and can still get paid during this 'sick leave'.
Hope you're well, besides being sexually conversationally frustrated =)
-Rachel Xx
it's a terrific topic erica. i was brought up similarly, it was mostly an embarrasing/shamefilled topic (and sometimes that happens for good reasons where ignorance/fear/abuse are part of a person's life) but i totally agree it shouldn't be the overall secretive and one-sided way it often is. i'll never forget years ago our pastor was preaching on the topic of addiction and mentioned (as just one point) masturbation, for years after everyone referred to that night as the 'masturbation message' but they seriously missed the point altogether, the girls didn't discuss it and the guys mostly laughed about it. i only hope and pray i raise my kids to have a healthy understanding of themselves, including their sexuality, because god knows there are plenty of very confused teenagers (and adults for that matter) out there!
Love your discussion. Sex is as much a womens issue as it is mens. Its a falacy that men have a greater problem with thinking/ wanting sex and women don't. It's not just about how we dress (women or men) it's about how we act, how we talk, how we look. A person could be dressed from head to toe in a bag, it's not going to stop another persons mind from wandering or thinking about sex. Sex is a gift from God. Teaching our children when sex is right is one of the most important and most neglected issues a lot of Christian families have. Being open with your kids, and sharing the whole Christian life with them, encourages a healthy perspective. It is difficult when not only older Christian ladies but even some of the younger ones find talking about sex embarrassing or worse, sinful. Also there isn't a lot of scripture that speaks about women lusting after men. Or women being lured away by the wayward man. Don't get me started on the addiction to porn thing. Another falacy. Whatever sex we are, we need the Lords guidance on how we sholud live, and not be ashamed, afraid, or embarrassed to talk about it.
If you think your blog was non organized rant, mine is just as disjointed.
A couple of scriptures that say to me that women are sexual beings: 1 Corinthians 7:2 and 3 and 4 and 5 ...let every woman have her own husband...he should fulfil his marital duty to his wife...the husbands body belongs to the wife...after mutually abstaining (for prayer and fasting) let them come together so Satan doesnt tempt them (my paraphrase)
Women (married), enjoy your sex with your husband. Some of us singles can only wish...I mean wait.
Hi Erika,
Just wanted to give you some encouragement, so I'm giving you The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award (details on my blog).
Love, Beth
Thanks for posting this Erica. I read this post a while back but I forgot to reply.
It's really wonderful when a sister-in-Christ is not afraid to make a stand on a sensitive or avoided topic. I agree that this is mostly addressed as a 'men's issue'.
I hope that as my kids get older (and they're all still under 8 right now) that Bren and I will seek Godly wisdom in approaching the topic of sex. In the meantime I think we really need to pray for our kids (or the little ones around us), as well as ourselves, that we will lead God-honoring lives and continually be drawn to His love.
BTW I know that there will be parents who teach their kids about sex but in our household the time has not yet come.
Hope that wasn't too long winded!
God bless
Liz
xoxo
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