I have been desperately home sick lately. I feel so far from what my life was. Out-of-touch and distant. I feel like I'm watching as earth is getting smaller and smaller in an already too small window. (Not to mention I have stand far from the window due to an 8month pregnancy gut!) I miss my country and the culture. I miss good ol' American shopping and relative friendliness. I miss mexican food and Good Times hamburgers and shakes. I miss my family...and even at moments miss Chicago. As I feel further and further from the world I feel so overwhelmed with an astronaut's loneliness. A huge world and a little me, in a vaccuum.
My brother just left to go to Iraq. He'll be a body guard to higher-up Army officials. I wasn't at his going away party. I wasn't there to see him off on his bus trip to his body-guard training. I wasn't there. I called to say goodbye. I hadn't talked to him in 6 months. I hope that's not the last that I ever get to speak with him.
My beloved and only Grandfather is in the hospital again. He's been in and out and has had periods of being non-sensical. I can't be there to help him. I can't be there to help my Grandma. I can't be there. When I said goodbye to him the last time that I saw him I had this terrible feeling it would be the last I would see of him...I hope that I haven't seen the last of him.
I feel not so much like I'm on the other side of this Island Earth, but well and truly on another planet. I am able to keep radio contact as I drift further and further into outer space. Untouched and Untouchable.
3 comments:
erika - i feel with you. i think being with child draws that need to be with family and the familiar out of us with greater force then we are ready for. at least thats how it was with me. there is something in the unknown of immenent motherhood that makes the places we call "home" seem safe and reassuring.
i hope your mum will be able to be there with you for a bit.
i'm glad you have a husband who has been through that transition and hope he is able to be a comfort or at least something familiar enough that you can find home in.
im sure this isnt' anything new but i hope it helps to know you are not alone in your longing.
peace
ruthie
Thanks Ruthie. I does help heaps. I wonder if it gets any better after the baby is born?
Wow Erika,
I can identify with missing Colorado and green chili, but my heart aches for in that you're literally half a world away from kilth and kin. My wife's grandparents are 99 and 92, and she goes through similar anxiety anytime we leave the state. I'm hang in there and remember that (speaking of hindsight) when you look back on this season from a future vantage, God's grace will be manifest in your vision.
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