Yesterday was my worst (or best) day in a very long string of bad days. My children tag team all night and it has been getting more and more difficult as the months drag on and the glimmer of hope I once had is fading. I am tired to put it mildly. I proclaim on a daily basis that I can do it no longer. Yesterday, I meant it. I was literally at the end of myself, my mind was racing to find a way out, a way to fix it, a way to change...and I was coming up with nothing.
Having confessed my desperation to my amazing sister-in-law at playgroup (which was quite enjoyable) she concocted a plan to help. It was a plan that involved sacrifice on the part of several people. As she told me her idea I was tempted, as dictated by my deep cultural regulations, to say "No, no. I'll be fine". We both knew, however, that aside from accepting help, I had no hope of making it another minute. I could only nod with both touched and humiliated tears streaming. She arranged for people to come and sleep with my kids so that hubby and I could sleep a whole night through.
I have accepted help in the past, a lovely girl from my Bible study watched my kids for a whole day while I did whatever I needed to do, my in-laws have watched the kids as well; but there was something particular about this time. The level of sacrifice was so great and in my normal state I would never allow people to do something like this. As I thanked them, they all said,"It's no big deal." But it is. It is a big deal to be willing to stay up all night with someone else's children. What they meant was, "It is a sacrifice I am willing to make because I love you." And as much as it hurts my pride to need help in the first place, it feels good to accept help and love in the sacrifice of another. I've allowed them to have a measure of power in my life, and in the end that is what real relationship is all about.
I feel like that night of sleep, given so graciously, is enough to help me carry on a bit longer. I have hope again. And I feel I have learned a huge lesson in what it means to love, help, and be helped. So, help? Yes, thanks.
3 comments:
Hiya
I totally know how you have been feeling and some days it feels like the day and night is endless. I wish i could help you out so you could get the rest you need.
I've had nights like that for a couple weeks at a time about a month or so back. For us when one starts they all start. Sarah starts, then Jess and then add in isaac and i just want to call under a rock.:
Lately the girls have been pretty good. But its totally understandable at how you've been feeling.
Hugs girl, you are doing an amazing job.
Angel - Raylene Juniper
Thanks Raylene, I can imagine that you know what it's like to be insane with tiredness... Twins and 3 other boy boys.
Life seems to look a lot less crazy once a person can get a little sleep.
Thanks again!
gosh i know too well what you are talking about. your post brought back memories of those humbling tears when i had no choice but to accept help. it makes us "strong" women feel so weak.
i am trying hard to learn... or at least i am in the space where i know i need to learn this lesson more and more. my dear hubby is so good at reminding me that it takes huge amounts of "strength" and self awareness to both ask for help and put strong boundaries up that protect our wellness.
thankyou for your transparency. we are certainly not alone in this.
-lydia
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