Sunday, April 30, 2006

Yet though He slay me...


A few weeks ago I was going for a bit of a walk (waddle really) through my neighbourhood. As I walked I prayed that God would strengthen my faith. I asked Him to give me a faith that could praise Him and thank Him even if things don't go as planned, even when I was hurting. I want to have a faith that will be constantly strengthened by hardship, instead of smashed against the rocks and made weak. Forgetting that that is one of those prayers that will be immediately answered and tested, much like the prayer for humility and patience, I went on my merry way. Oh so proud that I was being so brave in my walk with God.

So a very little bit later I happened upon a house. Chad and I had been looking to rent a larger place to house us and our growing family. We had given up the search in finding anything with 3 bedrooms in our area and in our price range. I had gotten to a place where I had accepted staying here in our tiny little place, and honestly was not looking anymore. But this house came available right down our street (I love our street) AND it was 3 bedrooms, AND it had an Airconditioning unit, AND it was big AND it was beautiful. I had been ignoring it for weeks, but after the sign had been up for so long decided to check on the price, and what do ya know? It was within our price range! I went to check out the inside and it was home. I could feel it. It really seemed like God was blessing us beyond my wildest dreams. Chad and I applied...I tried not to get too worked up...We were rejected. I hadn't realized how fragile my little faith was and I was depressed for a few days over this little thing. I was so angry that God would tease me like that. (I think I still am a little.)

Yesterday, my diamond fell out of my ring. The diamond that Chad gave me and I have worn since getting engaged. My diamond with a little black dot in it, that sparkles anyway. I have no idea when it fell out, but being rather small, it would be impossible to find in any of the numerous places that I went. Again, I ranted at God for taking my precious diamond. Angry at Him for what has felt like a very disappointing time since being in this country, having had irreplacable things taken, opportunities not happen, jobs not gotten, houses not gotten, and now my diamond gone...

I have realized how weak and fragile my poor pathetic faith is. I have a chronic and slow burning anger at God that rears it's ugly head everynow and again. I know now that I need my faith to be made stronger. I have NOTHING to be proud of in that department. I am so weak. It seems so funny that it's the little things that can make us lose it. I still want a faith that will cling to the ankles of God. I want the faith to say, "Yet though you slay me, still I will trust in You. Even when I don't get the house I want, even when my diamond falls out of my ring, still I will praise You." I recognize now that I have a long and painful way to go...but maybe in the end I will get what I need the most, faith the size of a mustard seed.

5 comments:

Lian said...

I suppose the first and most crucial step is always seeing yourself in the right light.

Anonymous said...

dear erika, faith is not so fragile. it just takes lots of time to grow. you are young and untempered. your faith as a mother will grow as you watch the picture story of gods love grow rigth before your eyes. a baby tells a story, not just of how it grows, but of the desparate, agony love is. the loss of a house or a diamond is nothing compared to the loss of a human. everything you feel as your baby grows god has felt. and you will hear his nearlly audible voice in your heart every time the wee one falls, or gets hurt or disobeys. you will hear his voice saying, see, look,,,look how you love and care and hurt. "i do that "and the heart-wrenching thought that perhaps god will decide something different that what you have planned. these are all things that teach us faith. it grows over time and from love. give yourself time to let it grow. keep your eyes and ears open for his voice. learn who he is and about his love as you begin the journey of parent love.....and glad you asked about the poem on chucks blog, i didnt sign it because he probably knew it was me, and really, i dont want his friends to think his mommy reads his blog....ouch. mcm

erk said...

I knew it was someone who really loved him, that's why I was so confused that someone could write such an intimate poem and not sign it. I don't think that anyone would be bothered knowing that milk-chunk's mom reads his blog. Thanks again for the insight. I know that God will teach me a lot about Himself through my beautiful little child. He already has. I always appreciate your insight. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It makes me feel so loved.

The Crystal Sea said...

erika, these days, chuck and i are not understanding each other too well. he sees my concern for him as a threat to his adulthood. i am not clutchy, but he soooo much like me, that perhaps i am the only one who detects the silent pulse of his capabilities and heart and what drives him or what eats him. for sure crystal may know better than i. but her interest in him is so differnet that mine. so HE is probably the only one who would care that his mom reads and reacts to his blog. but on it, he tells the world more than he tells me. so i read it to calm my heart that he is ok. a moms heart is tied to her children forever. we are always riding the surf of their lives. men dont get that.

erk said...

I can understand that. You knew Chuck 9 months longer than anyone else. I am realizing that the time in the womb is so much more than physical developement it is a bonding time between 2 people and only those 2 people. It's an almost magical connection.